I must admit my serious climbing days are over. Yes, my gear bag surfaces now and again. Other times I catch myself going through old photos, agonizing over unanswered questions. But I honestly doubt I will ever again send a lonely lead up an exposed ridge, or gain the icy grips of a steep alpine face; finding the scary places. And so I’m laying something to rest… closing a segment of my life, and just in time, too. Toward the end there were more close calls. And it is here we find one of the elements that separates the arm-chair mountaineers from the true achievers: the ability to accept these close calls as a normal part part of it, and go even farther. For me, the accumulation of close calls began to adversely affect me, even scare me. I did not want to die.
When children entered my life it became obvious that to continue climbing would be irresponsible, something I was already good at. I needed no other outlet to further demonstrate my ability. Do I blame them? Not at all… in fact, I am thanking them. I believe the Lord Jesus Christ saved my soul, but my children, along with my wife, Alisa, saved my life. Made me straighten up a bit, be honest with myself, and face things. Good. Would it bother me if they were to climb? No, we are all individuals and we will do something. My goal is to instill in them enough confidence, character, and ability so when faced with any challenge they can fight well. Win and lose well. Because we will win and we will fail.
We learn as much or more from our failures as we do from our achievements. I feel one reason is that failures humble us, temper us, and allow us to adjust our perspective.I feel this is essential to survival and ultimately our longevity. Can you imagine a motor accelerating indefinitely? It would eventually explode and it is the same with us. Our whole being and our various abilities are susceptible to overuse, thus breakdown, thus failure. Often it is out of our hands, and failure necessitates survival. We can prepare all we like, but there is always something unknown...something missing so we can never know the outcome. Who knows the forces at play that direct the things that direct us.
For many, failing is a strike against us. A kind of secular sin. Since youth we are told this is undesirable. But we are also told that wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from making mistakes, ie, failing. For many, this can be difficult, even frightening. Have you ever been scared? Along with most things, as we grow older and do more things our perceptions change, and being scared begins to take on a whole new meaning. In your guts scared, losing your life scared. This is the ultimate fear. What else have you that’s of any greater worth? Granted, none of our lives are the same and we each live our own epics, however; there exists a deep visceral feeling that surfaces at no other time than when you are about to die...or believe you are. This has happened far too often in my life, each instance a focal point. I learned at a young age that I could break, bleed, or drown.
I don’t mean to give a negative impression. Climbing, Mountaineering/ Ski Mountaineering, (it’s a natural progression), have taken me to some awe-inspiring places in this world, and shown me things about myself I could’ve discovered no other way. And, much like the very Creation we play in, both ends of the spectrum and all phases in between are revealed. The expansive beauty of a mountain peak that’s suddenly revealed while skinning up a timbered ridge is only matched by the intricate minutia of a single snowflake. It is difficult to put into words the feelings that surface when confronted by a small, delicate flower surrounded by nothing but hard rock.
Yes, my climbing days are over, and I do feel sad. But even as tears literally fall on the desk in front of me, I am encouraged that I can finally begin to release the emotions I’ve kept so long inside of me.
Scott A. Lewis
Dec. 31, 2015
Wallace, ID.
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